How to Offer Genuine Support
When someone you care about is going through a tough time, finding the right words can be challenging. It’s easy to unintentionally say things that might seem dismissive or intrusive, even when you have the best intentions. Here’s a guide to help you navigate these sensitive conversations with empathy and care.
1. Instead of “So how are you really?”
Why It’s Not Ideal: This question can make someone feel pressured to share more than they’re comfortable with. It might seem like you’re pushing them to open up.
Say Instead: “How are you holding up?” or “I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”
Why: These phrases offer a gentle invitation for them to share if they wish, without pushing them to disclose more than they’re ready to.
2. Instead of “I know just how you feel.”
Why It’s Not Ideal: Even if you’ve been through something similar, everyone’s experience and emotions are different. This phrase might come across as minimizing their unique feelings.
Say Instead: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.” or “I’m so sorry you’re facing this. How can I support you?”
Why: These responses show empathy and acknowledge their personal experience without making comparisons, focusing on how you can be there for them.
3. Instead of “They’re in a better place.”
Why It’s Not Ideal: While this phrase is meant to comfort, it might seem like you’re dismissing their pain by suggesting their loved one’s death should be easier to bear because of an abstract notion of a “better place.”
Say Instead: “I’m deeply sorry for your loss. If you need anything or just want to talk, I’m here.” or “I wish I had the right words. Please know that I’m thinking of you and am here to help in any way I can.”
Why: These alternatives offer sincere sympathy and practical support, respecting their grief without making assumptions about how they should feel.
4. Instead of “Are you going to get yourself checked?”
Why It’s Not Ideal: Asking about their health in this way can add unnecessary stress or make them feel judged, especially when they’re already dealing with a lot.
Say Instead: “I hope you’re taking care of yourself. If you need anything or just want to talk, I’m here.” or “I can only imagine how this must feel. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you.”
Why: These phrases focus on offering emotional support and showing care without adding pressure or increasing their anxiety.
5. Instead of “It could be worse.”
Why It’s Not Ideal: This phrase can come off as dismissive by suggesting their situation isn't as bad as it seems, which can minimise their feelings.
Say Instead: “I can see this is really tough for you. How can I support you right now?”
Why: This approach acknowledges their pain and offers practical support, showing that you recognise the difficulty of their situation.
6. Instead of “At least you have [something positive].”
Why It’s Not Ideal: Focusing on positive aspects can seem like you’re undermining their current struggle or telling them their feelings aren’t valid.
Say Instead: “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you, no matter what.”
Why: This response respects their feelings and offers unwavering support, without comparing their situation to others.
7. Instead of “You should be over it by now.”
Why It’s Not Ideal: This statement can add pressure for someone to move on before they’re ready, which can be hurtful.
Say Instead: “I understand this is taking a long time. I’m here to listen and support you through it.”
Why: This response respects their grieving process and offers compassionate support, recognising that healing takes time.
8. Instead of “Everything happens for a reason.”
Why It’s Not Ideal: This phrase can come across as dismissive by implying that their suffering has a purpose, which can be insensitive.
Say Instead: “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m here for you. Let me know how I can help.”
Why: This approach avoids making assumptions about the reasons behind their situation and focuses on providing practical support.
9. Instead of “You’ll find someone else.”
Why It’s Not Ideal: This can sound dismissive, especially if they are grieving a loss or dealing with a breakup, as it implies their current pain is insignificant.
Say Instead: “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. If you need someone to talk to or spend time with, I’m here.”
Why: This response offers genuine support and understanding, without minimising their current feelings.
10. Instead of “Why didn’t you do something about it sooner?”
Why It’s Not Ideal: This question can seem blaming or critical, adding to their stress and guilt about past decisions.
Say Instead: “I’m sorry you’re facing this. What can I do to support you now?”
Why: This response focuses on offering help in the present rather than criticising past actions.
11. Instead of “You’re being too sensitive.”
Why It’s Not Ideal: This statement invalidates their emotions, making them feel like their feelings are inappropriate or exaggerated.
Say Instead: “I can see that this is really affecting you. I’m here to listen and support you.”
Why: This response acknowledges their feelings as valid and offers a compassionate ear without judgment.
12. Instead of “Just stay positive.”
Why It’s Not Ideal: Telling someone to stay positive can feel dismissive of their genuine feelings and struggles.
Say Instead: “I know it’s a difficult time. I’m here to help however I can. Let me know if you need anything.”
Why: This response focuses on providing support and understanding, rather than placing an expectation on their emotional state.
Conclusion
Choosing the right words during tough times can significantly impact how supported someone feels. Instead of worrying about what not to say, aim to offer genuine empathy and a listening ear. Sometimes, the best support is simply being present and showing that you care. Your thoughtful presence can provide much-needed comfort and strength for those going through difficult moments
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